At the start of my journey on the plan B mentorship program I remember sharing the fact that I felt like I wasn’t heard. I was tired of living in the shame of my past and found it difficult to truly grieve for the loss of my unborn children because I felt that I didn’t deserve to grieve and I didn’t know how to express this feeling.

In her book ‘Living the Life Unexpected’Jody Day wrote…

Although one in three women in the UK and USA has had a termination by the age of forty-five, it’s still a huge taboo to be open about this. For those of us (myself included) who have gone on to remain childless after having had an abortion, there can be a dark shadow that hangs over us which says that somehow we’re ‘not allowed’ to grieve our childlessness because we had an opportunity to be a mother and we didn’t go through with it. It’s another way of adding to the experience of disenfranchised grief, and a secret that even childless women rarely share with each other….

This sums up how I have felt around my terminations and my ability to grieve because of them. Since working through this ‘shame’ I have come to understand, with compassion, why I made my choices and have since learnt to forgive myself for them. This forgiveness has also enabled me to be more honest and to fully share my story with others which is giving others permission to be more open about their past too. It is not easy saying that I have had two terminations but I feel less alone when I am met with “I’ve had one too” which, in turn, strengthens and encourages me on my journey.

As I am preparing for my talk at International Women’s Day (IWD) tomorrow I feel a calming sense of peace. I feel a strength that I didn’t have before I joined Gateway Women and I finally feel like I belong and that I am ok. I can finally accept the women in the mirror.

Honesty and forgiveness are gifts, gifts that I have given to myself which has allowed me to be here (on this path) today. Without it I would not have had the courage to be writing my book and I certainty would not have had the courage to accept the invitation to talk at IWD, an opportunity that I am truly grateful for. Because of the love and support I have found along the way I now feel like I have found my voice!!!