This past weekend I went to visit two of my friends. Both have been in my life for a number of years, both have been with me through my tough times and both have been unaware of the full extent of my childless journey.
Since being on this road I have felt like I have been slowly losing my friends for the simply reason that they have children and I have felt like I do not belong in their lives anymore. I have noticed that we don’t talk like we used to, we don’t call each other as much these days and we certainly haven’t spent quality time together since I don’t know when. Our relationship was changing and I didn’t know how to fix it, all I knew was that since starting my journey of grief my world changed – I boarded this train and they didn’t have a ticket to ride. As sad as I was to realise that I wouldn’t be a mum I was even sadder to know that I was losing my friends.
So I took the plunge and sent them the link to the talk that I gave on the 5th March at the International Women’s Day event in Luton and then held my breath. To my surprise I received the following replies;
“I want to give you the longest… tightest hug ever (((hugs))) I admire you for being brave and courageous. Please don’t feel you had to tell me anything when you weren’t ready to. I Love you… and in my own little way share in the pain of your loss. I’m glad for the journey you are on and I know your story will help many other women and glad it’s bringing healing your way”
“I couldn’t be more proud of you! You are a brave, intelligent, inspirational person. And I feel so blessed to call you my friend. I pray that my girls grow up to be just like you”
Well as you can imagine these replies brought tears to my eyes. I suddenly realised that although my world is changing I am not alone and I have not been forgotten. I have found some great friends and support through Gateway Women, women who completely understand what I am going through but I also have friends who have their arms around me too. There may be times when it feels like they are so far away or that they have moved on without me but if I didn’t take the plunge and reach out to them I would not have realised that they are still here and that I have a special place in their hearts. I am finding my voice and am breaking the silence of my grief.
I had a similar experience in the last few days where I opened up to a couple of old friends about my fear of being left behind as they are both married and therefore seem to have more in common with each other. They told me that it makes no difference and that my friendship is just as valuable as it has always been. It was so lovely to hear x
Yes it is great to realise that we still have a place in their lives