Well the hospital have not called me today so my operation is defiantly going ahead….

I’ve been on this journey for about 2, 2 ½ years and remember bursting into tears when the consultant in front of my told me that my only chose for dealing with my fibroids (and very painfully heavy periods) was to have a hysterectomy. At that time I couldn’t comprehend losing my womb – yes I know it hasn’t served me in the way that it should have and I was angry that it didn’t let me bear the children that I had so longed for but even with all that anger towards her, losing her was just not an option. So I said HELL NO!

2 years on, after having further investigations around why I was becoming so anaemic (due to the heavy bleeding), it was discovered that I had Adenomyosis – a condition in which the inner lining of the uterus breaks through the muscle wall of the uterus. It helped to finally understand why I was suffering with my periods to the extent that I was but realising that this condition may have also prevented me from conceiving was a difficult pill to swallow – “if only I’d known sooner maybe I something could have been done to help me conceive a child”. To be honest I do not know what would have been possible only that the feeling of being let down by a system that was meant to help me was overwhelming at that time.

At the end of 2019 and several therapy sessions later, I sat in front of another consultant and pretty much insisted that she perform my hysterectomy. I was at the point where I was fed up of the pain (I was unable to function without painkillers), the anxiety (thoughts of ‘have I leaked???’ running through my mind during every meeting, on the train, at the restaurant and then the embarrassment of having to clean myself up when I had leaked) along with the sleepless nights (I either woke up in pain or had to change) was all too much. I wanted my life back; I needed to take control of this. A friend told me not to think of the hysterectomy as losing my womb but as saying goodbye to the pain. Those words really helped me to look at my situation differently; it helped to face my fears and work through the pain of losing my womb as well as what this step would mean for me.

Being able to work through my thoughts and feelings with my therapist really helped me to stand strong with my decision, especially as there were others who thought that I was crazy for even considering this, drastic no turning back, procedure. The turning point for me on this journey was when I was in Croatia, sitting in a hotel room, looking out over the beautiful city. I took out my journal and wrote a letter to say goodbye to my womb…

After writing this I was able to let go of the feeling betrayed I by my womb. I felt like it had constantly let me down -my womb allowed me to conceive when that was the last thing that I wanted and it wouldn’t let me conceive when it was my hearts desire. 

So as I sit here with 3 hours until I am not allowed to eat anymore (I’m so enjoying the taste of chocolate right now) and 10 hours before I am due to arrive at the hospital I can honesty say that I know I am doing the right thing for me. It has been a long and painful journey up to this point and I am sure that post op tomorrow will bring more challenges than I care to think about right now, but for now I go with the peace that I am re-claiming my joy. Here’s to my new, period-free, existence…