I mentioned in a recent post titled ‘The interview‘ the daunting prospect of telling my dad about the daily mail article that I was interviewed for. I was so afraid of how he’d react about my past and felt like I would be letting him down because he wanted so much for my life. The thought of him being disappointed with my actions was becoming difficult to contain and for me to think clearly about what I wanted to say.
A friend of mine who has been very supportive sent me an email reminding me that it is my heart that is breaking and not his. She reminded me that I cannot make him feel anything other than physical pain and that I was not betraying him. I am not responsible for him and he is not responsible for my biology, emotions or happiness. She also asked me what I would like from my dad, what would I like him to say and do when I tell him my story. This helped me to think about what I wanted to say. So I decided to take the advice of another friend and write him a letter. The letter helped me to not only detail how I felt but also to express how I felt about my dad and what I would like from him. It helped me to know that no matter how I was on the day, and I suspected that I’d be in tears, my dad would hear exactly what I wanted him to hear.
Well I went to my dad’s, after a few detours, and took him for a drive. Whilst sitting in a parked car I told him about the article and mentioned that I wrote him a letter to explain why I was finding it so hard to be in this place of grief. After he read the letter he was so gentle with me and told me a story that would have shocked me once upon a time. I was so grateful that he felt that he could share it with me. It was a story that let me know that we had had similar journeys in life and that he understood how I felt. No forgiveness was needed because he understood the challenges that life has to offer and was sorry that I went through it alone.
I am so glad I could share my story after all this time which has left me with a sense of freedom. I am no longer living under a cloud of darkness, I am no longer a prisoner to my shame!!!
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