I went to a school reunion last night. It was great to catch up with people who I haven’t seen since leaving school in 1987. As excited as I was to go I also found myself anxiously worrying about being asked if I had children. It would be natural for the others to ask as we were catching up on our lives over the past 20+ years but knowing that most of them are parents (through facebook) I couldn’t help but worry about how I would respond. There are times when I just do not know how my grief will respond when faced with certain situations.
So the inevitable question was asked…. coincidently one of the ladies who asked is childless herself. She confidently revealed that she had a miscarriage last year and couldn’t go though the emotions trying again. It would have been easy to hide behind her truth but I bravely talked about Gateway Women and how it is helping me to get through my pain. I was asked if I had considered adoption (well I guess it wouldn’t be a conversation if that question wasn’t asked!!!) and I bravely explained why that was not an option for me.
Since going to GW meetings and understanding my grief I have come to understand why I am being asked such questions. Understanding the question from someone who cares about me helps me to compassionately process the situation. It is such questions from people who do not know me that I now struggle with but I am learning to find suitable responses to those who feel that such a personal question is acceptable. So far my favourites are “oh I didn’t realise we were getting that personal, how much do you earn?” and “so how’s your sex life then”. It would be great to hear some of your favourite responses too…
I usually give a simple ‘no’, but really wish I was brave enough to say something similar to what you have suggested. Maybe I’ll try it next time!!
Unless someone is a complete jerk, I usually am quite polite and fairly simple about it these days. If it felt appropriate, I might suggest to them that as currently 90% of middle-aged women without children didn’t choose that outcome, it’s probably not a benign question anymore and that perhaps it might be time to update their social repertoire?! (Especially as most people who ask this question have children, and are using it as a way to then transition onto the ‘safe’ ground of both of you talking about your children rather than about yourself). Being asked by a childless woman in the way that you were is unusual in my experience… I’m so glad for her that she found YOU to talk to. Hugs xxx