A friend of mine who has been on her own journey to becoming a mother told me recently that she is pregnant and I was unable to identify with how I felt. I found it difficult to move past the words “I am pregnant”. I have been on this journey with her listening to her stories sharing her pain, which I now realise was the easy part because I was sharing that pain (my pain) too. Now that she has found her joy I feel like I have been left behind unsure of what this means for me or our friendship. As much as I am glad that she has finally got what she desired I find it hard to truly share her joy because it reminds me of my grief.
I remember when another friend announced that she was pregnant with her second child and the anguish of trying to conceive for 7 months. Unknown to her I was undergoing fertility testing at the time, after trying for 3 years to conceive my own child. I sat there and listened with anger in my heart… 7 months…. try 3 years of planning, calculated liaison with my husband and lying with my legs in the air for 30 minutes afterwards praying that this time it worked then feeling depressed when that time of the month came that announced that it wasn’t to be.
I was grateful that I had the support from Gateway Women as it helped me to realise that this was her grief at not being able to conceive her second child, something I would not have considered before.
Now I sit here selfishly wandering if our friendship will survive. The expectation of new life brings so much joy but I find it hard to share in that joy right now. I am in a place where I am scared that I am losing my friends who have young families and lives that I have very little in common with. I am trying to find my place in this world trying not to feel so alone in my grief and trying not to isolate myself from a world that I find difficult to fit into whilst trying to make sense of my grief so that I can make peace with it, wondering when will this pain end.
I have since been reminded me that my friend is not having my baby and was asked what I would want from me if I was her. This has helped me to reflect on all the emotions that she must be feeling which is really helping me to be able to be there for her at this time.
I would love to hear your stories of surviving the friendships and how you coped with their joy in your pain. What were your fears and how did you overcome them? I look forward to hearing from you soon.
For me, it really depends on the friend. As an example, I have one friend who takes a real interest in me and what I’m up to, and with her I really love spending with her and her little girl. I think it’s because it is truly a two way thing where we are both there for each other. With another friend, her life has become all about her baby. So when we do try and meet, I am expected to fit around that. So our relationship has become distant as it began to feel one-sided. My friendships have definitely reduced as I’ve got older but I’m slowly starting to find other ways in which to find joy.