For as long as I can remember abortion has been that taboo word whispered behind closed doors and that’s if you ever dared to mention it, let alone (God forbid) you ever think about having one. Given the recent Supreme Court ruling in the US ending the right for a woman to have an abortion it seems that those times are quickly coming back or maybe this mindset just remained hidden.
“To save the relationship, they agreed to terminate the pregnancy. Maybe, in some cases, the increased difficulty of getting an abortion will mean that they keep the baby. The guy will stick around or not, but they won’t be childless…”*
In her blog titled ‘How Does Abortion Ruling Affect Childless-by-Marriage Couples?’, from the 30th June 2022, Sue Fagalde Lick raised the question of “if abortion had been illegal 10, 20, or 30 years ago, would you be a mother or father now?” which got me thinking. The question, in reference to the US Supreme Court overturning Roe’s 1973 decision that gave women a constitutional right to have an abortion, transported me back to my 20s when I was faced with the agonising decisions (on 2 separate occasions – yes you heard me correctly, I was there twice) not to continue with my pregnancies which impacted on my ability to accept my grief and subsequently grieve my loss of becoming a mother.
I get the impression that there are some (who’ve probably never been in this situation and certainly can’t empathise with those of us who are/ have been) who think that deciding to have an abortion along with the access to this service is easy – an “easy fix to rectify/ hide the mistake that we want to run away from” – IF ONLY!!! The abortion conversation seems to always centre around the ‘pro-life’ narrative which should have a voice but what about the ‘Pro-choice’ narrative? What about people like me being able to protect/ look after our mental well-being? What about acknowledging the ‘shame’ that society puts on us for “getting into trouble” (don’t you just hate this phrase?) in the first place – being in a situation that we were unprepared for is much kinder! What about the possibility that the unplanned child could be born into an unhealthy relationship because of the circumstances that they were conceived under and forced into life that the involved parties don’t want…? Isn’t it more responsible to not have a child than to regret having one???
“In the grand scheme of things who is taking the time to listen to the myriad of stories of the women, men, couples who have found themselves in this place that they never imagined possible”*
Where is the compassion for those of us who found ourselves at this inconceivable point in our lives having to make this agonising decision that, for me, I buried and carried silently around for years finding it hard to accept that I was in that situation in the first place because let’s face it ‘how stupid was I?*?*? [our inner voices can be so cruel!!!]. Then punishing myself over the months/ years that followed quietly trying to convince myself that “it’ll all be ok one day, someone will love me and want a family with me”, “I’ll get pregnant under the ‘right’ circumstances”, then years later finding it excruciating painful to face the fact that I was grieving the loss of motherhood, blaming myself because “I did this to me/ us and didn’t deserve to grieve not being able to have a child when I wanted and was ready for this life changing journey”. In her book ‘Living the Life Unexpected’ (pg. 91) Jody Day reflects on this where she writes that “For those of us who have gone on to remain childless after having has an abortion, there can be a dark shadow that hangs over us which says that somehow we’re not allowed to grieve our childlessness because we had an opportunity to be a mother and we didn’t go through with it”.
“What about the possibility that this (unknown) life could terminate the lives of those involved???”*
I could sit here and rant on about how this is exercising further control over women and our bodies, I also wonder if the lawmakers have ever stopped to consider the quality of life that some of these children could have after their parent(s) are forced to continue with a pregnancy that they may have chosen to terminate if that option was on the table. What I do want to reflect on is how I feel about having the autonomy over my body taken away from me.
“Young women today will come of age with fewer rights than their mothers and grandmothers.”*
In previous talks I’ve reflected on the value I would have had to my slave owner(s) as a childless woman especially with the knowledge that slave owners inflicted unimaginable punishment over their “barren” slaves seeing them as worthless stock. Let’s now reflect on the fact that enslaved women were unable to choose when to have a child or who to have a child with, let alone the absence of the option not to have children altogether. Our bodies were used and experimented on as they pleased? Our (black) bodies were their property, my ancestors were seen as a commodity to be used to increase their stock, to be used as they pleased.
“From the very moment of fertilisation, a woman has no rights to speak of. A state can force her to bring a pregnancy to term even at the steepest personal and familial costs.”*
Fast forward to 2022 and it feels like the lessons from our past remain in the past. I remember ‘Pro-Life’ campaigners standing outside clinics shouting “murderer” at women trying to run past them, head bowed, not wanting to be seen or confronted, not wanting to be shamed out of the decision/ the choice that they had made to protect their own lives, I could not (and still don’t) understand why shouting abuse at someone who is trying to ‘live’ was going to help but I do remember thinking ‘it’s alright for them [the campaigners] they’re not the ones who will be left trying to look after baby, struggling to make ends meet, struggling with their mental well-being, struggling on their own…
From my experience I know that there is an added layer of difficulty in accepting grief when you remain childless after an abortion, and as much as I can appreciate that not having a crystal ball means we don’t know how not having that abortion would have turned out (for me or my babies). It’s hard to deny that “maybe fewer women will be childless by marriage because the abortion option is off the table”* but I can’t see how being forced to have the baby that you would not have had if abortions are illegal, would make life better for anyone involved…
Maybe fewer women will be childless by marriage because the abortion option is off the table but what about the possibility that more women will remain childless as the clinics close their doors while they debate how this law affects them. What about the women/ couples being denied IVF because the clinics do not know where they stand when it comes to reducing the number of implanted embryos in order to ensure the safety of mum and baby?
Maybe, just maybe instead of raining control over our bodies, we could try changing our mindset and the narratives to allow open, honest and a more authentic way of living.
* Blog ‘How Does Abortion Ruling Affect Childless-by-Marriage Couples?’, Sue Fagalde Lick. 30th June 2022.
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