It was such a pleasure to be invited to talk at a local event celebrating International Women’d day yesterday. It was extra special for me because IWD in 2016 was the first time that I publicly spoke about being childless.
The day was filled with so many wonderful women sharing their stories, taking us on an emotional journey that is hard to describe – it was definitely one of those you had to be there moments.
I was asked to give an update on my journey so far to I titled my talk ‘The power of vulnerability and owning my story’. Even after all this time and the number of interviews I’ve had, I still have those nervous ‘What am I doing’ moments so it was so wonderful to have been received with hugs and tears afterwards. It was lovely to hear the words ‘Your talk was so powerful and moving’.
One thing did make me laugh though, I included a tongue in cheek joke in my talk where I said ‘… and then my miracle happened – I gave birth to my beautiful baby. My beautiful book Dreaming of a life Unlived was born – she’s so much like me!!!‘
A few ladies came up to me afterwards and congratulated me on having a baby in the end, they were so happy that ‘this’ happy ending came for me. One women asked me where my baby was and oddly looked at me when I told her that “it’s in my bag”. I couldn’t believe that they didn’t get it!!!
One women, who was not going to do the ‘church thing’ (her words) still said that she would pray that I still had hope. I told her that I did have hope…. the hope that I was going to have a fulfilling life without children 🙂
You can listen to the recording here and you can read the script below…
The Power of Vulnerability – Owning My Story
Maya Angelou said “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”
At IWD in 2016 I took to the public stage, for the first time, and told the world that I was childless
OMG who told me to open my mouth???
For the first time I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and it was the beginning of me shamelessly owning my story
For those of you who don’t know, in 2014 I was unhelpfully diagnosed with ‘Unexplained Infertility’ a diagnosis that I struggled with
No one could have told me that 2 words would turn my world upside down
There were no answers, no closure, no justification – just confusion
It didn’t take long for other emotions to take over… the biggest of which was shame… the shame that I had 2 terminations in my 20s which lead me to blame myself for the situation I was in
Now we all carry baggage – it could be the size of a handbag or in some cases it can be classed as excess baggage that needs to check into the hold!
For me it was time to put my bag down, open it up and start to unpack the stuff that I believed others would judge me for
At that time I was unable to speak about this shame that impacted on my ability to grieve, which meant that I couldn’t talk about my situation
In my head everyone would tell me that I didn’t deserve to be a mother
After joining GW (an organization supporting women who are childless by circumstance) and doing my grief work, which included
writing a letter to my younger self forgiving her for her past decisions and
writing a letter to my unborn children telling them that they were loved how much I would have liked to have meet them
I was able to embrace this feeling of shame and reframe what it meant to me
Other women found;
- Creating a memorial garden to honor their loss – planning something special
- Creating a shrine somewhere private in their home
- Spending time in nature
- Decluttering their living space
- Becoming part of a community (with others who shared their grief)
- Seeing a therapist
Helped them to work with their grief
For me it was the first time I felt that I was allowed to forgive myself and it was the first time that I started to own my story, my truth and to just embrace who I am
I felt a sense of pride and strength when I shared my story
Ok so the first time I publically did this I thought that I was going to die – I was hyperventilating in the corner just before I was due to go out and speak
But I did it and
I couldn’t believe the positive responses that I received or how much I felt free
I know that not everyone will speak out in the same way that I have but being vulnerable and sharing your story with your family or friends can be such an empowering experience
Yes it can be difficult opening up to others esp your family and friends because they don’t want to see us hurt and sometimes there is a judgment in their responses
also the downside of this can be the unhelpful advice and constant ‘don’t give up hope’……
But I persevered and then my miracle happened – I gave birth to my beautiful baby. My beautiful book Dreaming of a life Unlived was born – she’s so much like me!!!
In 2018 Jody Day – founder of GW – asked me a question. She wanted to know why black women were not connecting with her regarding being childless
This question took me by surprise because up until that point I did not consider that my race or culture had anything to do with being childless or my ability to grieve the loss of motherhood
Thinking about Jody’s question and talking to my friends I started to think about my own experiences as a black women
I realised how much of a proud family / a proud race I come from
The stories of how my parents grew up in the Caribbean and their experiences of ‘No blacks, No Irish and No dogs’ when they came to England during the Windrush period, went a long way to framing the way our parents generation functioned during this time – and the messages that they passed on to their children
I realized how much we have and continue to silence ourselves, let alone how society has silenced us
Statements such as ‘what will the neighbors think?’ and ‘don’t bring shame on the family’ told us, as children, that we have to carry ourselves differently from our white friends and show that we were better than they thought we are
I was told as a young woman that I had to work twice as hard as my white friends because I am a woman and because I am black
I somehow felt that I couldn’t show any form of weakness, I had to be strong, I had to be better
So as a race we put on our masks and live our lives keeping our problems in our suitcase
In my guest blog ‘The black woman in the room’ for Gateway Women I reflected on the situations where I felt like the angry black women in the room
The times where I felt that being the black women amongst my peers made me automatically stand out as well as feeling different and be treated differently
In my experience I have found that as a vocal and opinioned black women I would be perceived as ‘aggressive’ or ‘angry’ where my white counterparts were seen as passionate
I also learnt from my black friends that they have experiences where white people would only talk to them when they felt safe to do so or if they fit into that cultural parameter
These experiences are so subtle and very difficult to talk about and be heard or be accepted
Reflecting on my experiences and my friends stories I wonder how safe black women feel to talk to a white people about their problems
There has been occasions when we have tried to explain the racial divide, inequality, unconscious bias and discrimination, to our white colleagues, where these experiences have been dismissed as us being too sensitive or reading to much into what happened on that particular occasion
It can get tricky when you have to deal with white privilege and/ or white fragility – in some ways we have to manage their emotions too
I also found that religion can also play a role in keeping us silent which is something that I have struggled with personally
“Don’t give up Hope”, “It’s GOD’s will”, “GOD knows best”
But what does this have to do with infertility???
The Womens Health Mag and Oprah Mag surveyed more than 1,000 women and reported that;
Infertility affects at least 12 percent of all women up to the age of 44, and studies suggest Black women may be almost twice as likely to experience infertility as white women
Yet only about 8 percent of Black women between the ages of 25 and 44 seek medical help to get pregnant, compared to 15 percent of white women
Black women were more than twice as likely as white women to say that they wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about their fertility issues with friends, family, a partner, their doctor, or even a support group
“There are specific factors that affect Black women disproportionately,” Uterine fibroids and obesity, for example, are conditions that can negatively impact fertility—and Black women suffer from higher rates of both. The actress Gabrielle Union spoke out last year about adenomyosis and how this affected her ability to conceive.
When Black women do seek medical help for fertility issues, failing to see people who look like them in leaflets, on notice boards, or in waiting rooms can further discourage them from pursuing treatment
“For some women, it was their private sense of religion and spirituality that got them through,”
For others, the emphasis that the church puts on reproducing—coupled
with a lack of conversation around infertility—made religious settings
“painful and complicated”
The stereotype that Black women don’t have fertility issues is real, persistent and harmful
Through my research time and time again I found references to black peoples hyper-sexuality such as the
- belief that Black women are highly fertile
- Black people don’t struggle with infertility because Black women and men are baby-making machines,
- In my 20s I heard that we ‘bred like rabbits’
the report even mentioned where “One of the women was recounting experiences when she was younger, and she hadn’t been sexually active yet, but a doctor assumed she’d had many, many partners and the issues she was seeking treatment for could be a result of that.”
Its almost like we are being shamed into silence which can stop us from owning our stories but without stories how can we challenge beliefs and how do we effect change???
The fixing phenonium that childless women experience can be so crippling
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve heard…
“you shouldn’t feel like that”,
“but you have a good job”
“have you tried the latest treatment that I read about last week?”
“don’t give up hope, look at Janet Jackson”
“I know someone who was told she had unexplained infertility and she now has 3 children”
“have you thought about adoption?”
The difficulty with these situations is that it can diminish our pain, which can then drive a wedge between family and friends
Our pain is just as valid as it is for others so why shouldn’t our stories be heard? Without our stories our voices are missing from society.
Jody Day mentioned in her TED talk that – “Pronatalism makes us believe that the only way to be an adult is to be a parent, which then makes it hard for us to claim our identity”
To further quote Jody “change happens one story at a time, one women at a time. This starts a chain reaction that breaks the shame and taboos”
We feel less alone, less silenced and less shamed
Owning our stories will bring the richness back into our lives and allow us to reclaim our existence
I have come so far since 2014, having the courage to stand up and speak out has led me to be interviewed on a number of platforms both here and around the world including
BBC radio 4s Women’s Hour – Jenny Murray
I am a trained facilitator for the GW Reignite Weekend workshop and ran the first ever WoC Reignite workshop in 2018
I am an ambassador for the We are Worthy summit and took part in Fertility Fest last year
I have lost count of the number of WoC who have contacted me telling me that they have turned away from the GW on-line forum or have walked away from an event because they didn’t see other women that looked like them
These women wanted someone to talk too, someone who looks like them, who will listen and understand
They wanted to thank me for my honesty and authenticity
I hear from white women who want to too want to learn
It has been such a privilege to be accepted in this way and to create a space where not only mine but other women’s stories can be heard
So what’s next?
I am in the process of re-designing the format of the WoC Reignite workshop to better cater for WoC
I am taking part in Fertility Fest 2019 at the Barbican Center;
27 April – Fertility Fight Club- There is more to life than children
1 May – Race and Reproduction panel discussion
they say that I am the leading voice on the childless experience of women of colour
I am also doing further research on why WoC do not talk which includes understanding how
Generational Trauma and Post Traumatic Slave Disorder. I am interested on how these impact on our ability to trust others of a different race
Brene Brown talks about the courage to be vulnerable and in her research found that vulnerability makes you beautiful and is the birthplace of joy, belonging and creativity
Brene said, “When we deny the story it defines us. When we own the story we can write a brave new ending
I have now put down my case and am stepping into my brave new ending
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