I gave a planned speech titled ‘The other side of motherhood’ recently at my local Toastmasters club which saw me crowned as best speaker of the night.
I choose to talk about the things I hate to hear (from others) as a childless women and on congratulating me on my speech/ topic I was told that “if no one ever talks about it, it never gets talked about’. So I thought that I’d take the opportunity to share my speech here with you …
The other side of motherhood
In my 20s I used to have men randomly follow me around. There was the time when I was examining eggs in Sainsbury’s when this man leaned over and told me that I would make beautiful babies one day.
1 in 5 women living in the UK over the age of 45 are childless by circumstance and I am one of them. Now I don’t know what images come to your mind when you think of a childless woman but I can tell you that I definitely get asked very different questions whilst walking up the dried fruit isle in Tesco’s.
I also get asked some very awkward and at times insensitive questions. Fellow TM and distinguished guests, I would like to share 5 commonly asked questions and statements that can cause a childless women to cringe. I’ll also explain why, you should refrain from using them in public. These are…
- You can always just adopt
- If you really wanted children you would have tried harder
- But I heard of this story where….
- You are so lucky, you get to sleep in and travel a lot
- Don’t give up hope
Lets take the first one:
- You can always just adopt
I love the use of the word ‘just’. Its like I can click my fingers and a child will just instantly appear in my arms and all their past issues will just disappear!!!
Adoption is not the 2nd prize in a raffle for women who couldn’t have children of our own so why would you think that this would be a good substitute for me not being able to have a child with my husband???
Having someone else’s child was never in my life plan.
Then there’s my second award winning statement:
- If you really wanted children you would have tried harder
Consider if you will the endless stories of failed IVF treatments, multiple miscarriages, women who have waited a lifetime for that ‘right partner’ to start a family with, early menopause, cancer, genetic conditions and family traumas, that have robbed women of their fertility – I can guarantee you that none of these women didn’t try!!! And trust me I TRIED!!!
This 3rd one always has me running for the door:
- But I heard of this story where….
I DO NOT LIVE IN A BUBBLE!
With IVF having a global failure rate of 77% in 2012 have you ever wondered why the miracle baby stories are in the news???
It also gives me no comfort to see how other women have succeed where I failed.
Which brings me onto number 4. I love this one:
- You are so lucky, you get to sleep in and travel a lot
When you are willing to trade in your children to sleep in and travel then we can have that conversation.
Anyway I’ve certainly not noticed a decline in parents travelling with their young children. Esp as I always seem to get seated in front of the ones who are either constantly kicking the back of my seat or crying throughout the whole flight.
Number 5 is my personal favorite:
- Don’t give up hope
We live in a time where we think that if we throw a positive attitude at ‘it’ anything can change. I get the impression that when people hear my story they believe that I go home, close the curtains and spend my nights in the dark, crying into my chocolate. I only cry when I realise there is no chocolate left in my cupboard and I remember that I have already gone through my secrete stash.
Sometimes we have to let go in order to move through the pain that can be so crippling, but it doesn’t mean that we have lost hope. Hanging onto our old dreams takes a lot of energy – energy that could be better used to make an even a better life come into being. As our worlds change, hope can change with it. I now live with the hope that no-one will ever say the words ‘Don’t give up hope’ to me again!!!
Women are praised for having it all, the career, the husband, the 2.4 children whilst wearing their wonder women nickers, but there is no recognition of how hard it can be on a woman when she doesn’t reach the status of motherhood.
Well I am here to let you know that women like me are simply trying to find a place in the world that doesn’t fully understand us. We have joy, we have hope and at times we will even laugh. But please heed my caution, the next time you meet one of us please;
- do not tell us that we can just adopt
- do not tell us that we should have tried harder
- do not tell us about the miracle baby stories
- do not tell us how luck we are and above all
- do not tell us not to give up hope
Instead you can simply say, “I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t have children. That must be hard for you”
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