{"id":4703,"date":"2021-09-07T08:54:00","date_gmt":"2021-09-07T08:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/findingmyplanb.com\/?p=4703"},"modified":"2021-09-07T16:56:13","modified_gmt":"2021-09-07T16:56:13","slug":"myleene-and-me-the-untold-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/findingmyplanb.com\/?p=4703","title":{"rendered":"Myleene and Me – The untold stories"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I was contacted a few months ago by Eirlys explaining that the W channel are producing a show on miscarriage fronted by Myleene Klass. They had come across my work and asked if I\u2019d be interested in being filmed being interviewed by Myleene for the documentary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Umm let me think about this??? HELL YES!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being aware that not all miscarriage journeys end with the \u201crainbow baby\u201d, they wanted to incorporate the CNBC story into this documentary.  They were also keen to film me being interviewed by Nina Malone from Dope Black Mums, and after a number of telephone conversations with Eirlys we arranged for the filming to take place, at a studio in London, on Wednesday 11th<\/sup> August.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miscarriage isn\u2019t part of my story so I embarked on a discovery journey to hear from women where miscarriage was the end of their fertility journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\u201cMy only job was to hold onto the embryo and I couldn\u2019t even do that\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I found that there is a lot of blame, both internally and culturally, where fertility or infertility can often be seen as the women\u2019s fault. It was heart wrenching to hear from the women I spoke to describe their journeys as \u201cnot having children feels rubbish as I wasn\u2019t able to carry the line on\u201d \u201cI failed at being a wife\u201d, \u201cmy only job was to carry the embryo and I couldn\u2019t even do that\u201d. It dawned on me that miscarriage is attached to failure in so many different ways. With the feelings that \u201cour bodies have failed us\u201d, that \u201cour bodies were inhospitable to our own babies\u201d demonstrates how complicated grief can be when you are on this path, if you do allow yourself to grieve that is. Some women will question \u201cwho am I to grieve when I\u2019ve failed my baby?\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am a mother (at heart) and I\u2019m not allowed to talk about the loss\u201d<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Having undergone 2 terminations in the past, which Jody Day so compassionately describes as an involuntary miscarriage, I began to see the parallels in the stories of women who have miscarried with my own experiences of grieving the loss of motherhood whilst hiding the \u201cshame\u201d of my past. Our bodies carry the memories of our pregnancies and our bodies know of, and will remember, the loss. We never got to meet our children, never got to know if how we imagined what they\u2019d look or who they\u2019d grow up to be, was accurate. We never got to see if our dreams for them came true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Making the invisible visible  <\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s an invisibility of these experiences, poor support services and ignorance around miscarriage, including a lack of the physiological understanding of what women have gone through. One woman told me that the only support she received after having 3 miscarriages was her GP saying \u201cwell I\u2019ve had 2 (miscarriages)\u201d like somehow the fact that the GP had got through it and was alive to tell the tale meant that this woman would get through it too. It\u2019s not uncommon to feel  that you have to move on from this but \u201chow do I do that when I don\u2019t have a child to focus on???\u201d. The reflection from one woman saying that she wished the medical professionals would change the name of the procedure \u2018evacuation of retained products of conception (ERPC)\u2019) as \u201cthat was my child\u201d is held close in my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The loss associated with miscarriage isn\u2019t recognized and honored in (other) people\u2019s lives. Women (who have miscarried) find that they are showing up and celebrating the joy in their friends lives, kid\u2019s birthdays, key milestones etc., and are painfully aware that no-one is remembering or even acknowledging their losses. Imagine the friends who were pregnant at the same time where one miscarriaged and the other went on to have a success pregnancy, now think about the milestones\u2019 that one woman gets to celebrate whilst the friend looks on from the sidelines, silently hiding the painful reminder of her loss, wondering what her child would have looked like, knowing that she\u2019ll never get to celebrate with her friends or even have her friends celebrate her in this way.  \u201cI am showing up and celebrating your joy I want you to honor this part of my life in the same way that not having children means for me as it is not always easy to hold your joy<\/em> (due to my loss)\u2026 I want you to honor this part of my life in the same way that not having children means for me\u201d. <\/em>Their unborn children are their invisible babies and women who miscarry are asking for others to be present in their loss just as much as they are present in your lives with children. They are asking to have a shared moment too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m upset that I didn\u2019t appreciate the small amount of pregnancy I had\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Why is it that society gets to decide who is allowed to grieve? By only wanting to hear the miracle baby stories, we are silenced in telling our baby loss (through the many layers) stories too – we can disenfranchise ourselves without your help thank you very much. It\u2019s time to start allowing these baby loss stories to be heard. It\u2019s time to recognize the awkward full stop that the miscarriage journey, not ending in a baby, brings. Hearing \u201cI didn\u2019t know that I wouldn\u2019t get pregnancy again and wished I\u2019d treasured and grieved that pregnancy more<\/em>\u201d brought tears to my eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It seems that people are trying to work out if this (disenfranchised) grief is acceptable which can sometimes be denied by the women who are experiencing this themselves. Women are asked \u201chow far along were you?\u201d as if there\u2019s a point where miscarriage is acceptable. This can then diminish the experience because it was \u201conly 5 weeks\u201d like somehow, they were less attached at 5 weeks). I realised that an early loss can be more disregarded as it\u2019s felt less important than a loss that ended further along in the pregnancy but our bodies will always remember that we held that child and (for some) our bodies know the joy experienced at hearing the words \u201cyou are pregnant\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the point on dwelling on the loss because there\u2019s nothing you can do about it; it won\u2019t change anything!!!\u201d<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Jody Days\u2019 blog; Miscarriage wasn\u2019t part of the story it was the end of the story highlights the experience of miscarriage so tenderly. It can be hard when trying to think of the future after a miscarriage when everyone is trying to give you hope. I wonder if others think that we don\u2019t have enough hope of our own that we need some more from you to help us get out of bed??? \u201cI bought my husband a Father\u2019s Day card from baby after hearing that the pregnancy test is weakly positive<\/em>\u201d – now that\u2019s hope! While mothers will have the painful grief of wondering what that lost child would have looked like through their present child\/ children, we grieve the loss of the children that we never got to see whilst hoping that we will survive this heart wrenching pain.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The awkward full-stop<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

In her blog Jody mentions that \u2018one of the kindest things you can do for a woman who has experienced miscarriage, early-term loss\u2026 is not to forget about it \u2013 because she won\u2019t. Please don\u2019t forget that for those of us who remain childless after such a loss, we are mothers in our hearts too. We never forget our losses as we learn to heal around them as we move on with our lives. Please tread carefully with your assertions and understand our loss as you\u2019ll never know what it\u2019s like to inhabit the stigmatized identity of the forever childless woman. For many of us, miscarriage wasn\u2019t part of the story, it was the end of the story\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Thank you to the women who bravely shared their stories with me, you are amazingly brave super women and I admire you all for who you are. I hold all the women who were not able to share their stories at this time, you too are amazingly brave super women and I admire you all for who you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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